I just had an argument with a girl I know. She was saying how it’s unfair that if a guy fucks a different girl every week, he’s a legend, but if a girl fucks just two guys in a year, she’s a slut. So in response I told her that if a key opens lots of locks, then it’s a master key. But if a lock is opened by lots of keys, then it’s a shitty lock. That shut her up.

— (via jessiebarber) (via siddman)

Fake Dinner Party Conversations

Is this really fake? That Larry David is spot on.

tesslynch:

Larry David: You know, this place was impossible to find.

Tess: I know, it’s so far from Brentwood. I’m so sorry. Did you map it before you left?

Larry David: Well, actually, I think that’s kind of irrelevant.

Tess: Excuse me?

Larry David: I mean, I know the city pretty well, so I think that if a person lives far enough off the beaten track, it’s kind of up to that person to, you know, point out how to get there.

Tess: Oh, so…to go out of their way.

Larry David: Well they already live out of the way. Out of my way. Out of everybody’s way, though, let’s be honest.

Tess: Oh, because Brentwood is really central? And everyone loves Brentwood? Well you know what? I hate Brentwood.

Larry David: Oh, you do.

Tess: Yes, I do. One time I had to walk five blocks on Barrington just to find a crosswalk.

Larry David: Impossible!

Tess: No, it was possible! It was north of Sunset! I can tell you what day it was!

Larry David: I don’t care how far you walked! It wasn’t half as far as how far I just drove to get here! Plus you probably just parked badly!

[silence]

Larry David [cont]: Look, I’m sorry. Hey, I’m really looking forward to meeting Bill Clinton! I didn’t know you two were friends.

Tess: Oh jeez, Larry. You know, he actually can’t make it.

Larry David: Can’t make it! Wait a second, was he ever supposed to come? Be honest!

Tess: Yes, yes, he was. He just, he had this thing he had to do with Hillary, and…

Larry David: I can’t believe this! You tricked me into driving sixteen miles or something ridiculous like that on Sunset boulevard! Part of that was in rush hour, and I do it, but I do it because you said Bill Clinton was going to be here — now I’m thinking you knew! You knew that was the one person who, who —

Tess: Now hold on just a minute! I was looking forward to having him over just as much as you were excited to meet him! He’s an old friend and he hasn’t been over to dinner in a long time!

Larry David: Oh, sure!

Tess: And anyway, I thought you were going to bring Cheryl.

Former President Bill Clinton: Evening, Larry.

Larry David: What? He’s here? Why did you say he wasn’t coming? What’s going on here?

Tess: It was supposed to be a joke.

Former President Bill Clinton: I heard you had a great sense of humor.

Larry David: What! That isn’t a joke. A joke is, a joke is, when there’s a fire drill, except you’re trying on pants, and then when you —

Former President Bill Clinton: Hey, hold up, don’t ruin it for me.

Tess: Well, I apologize. But the whole thing started on the wrong vibe when you showed up here with that attitude.

Larry David: I’ve heard that before.

Former President Bill Clinton: Let’s get to it. Dinner. [To Larry, aside] While you two were in here, I covered everything she made with barbeque sauce.

Fake Dinner Party Conversations

tesslynch:

Tess: [pushes Sadie’s head off her lap, where she is begging for scraps under the table] Sorry, this is so embarrassing.

Cesar Millan: This dog, she needs to be rehabilitated.

Tess: Rehabilitated?

Cesar Millan: And you, her owner, you need to be train.

Tess: You want to train me? You guys?

Dov Charney: [masturbates]

Cate Blanchett: I’ve really got to go.

Dov Charney: [looms over Cate Blanchett while masturbating]

Cate Blanchett: Frankly, I’m quite upset with you, Tess. I’m going to stop taking your calls. You invited me to a dinner party, but it seems to me I’ve walked in on some sort of circus act. [shoves Dov away] And why is he in a gold leotard?

Tess: Dov, I asked you to try to tone down the outfits.

Dov Charney: [motions at his legwarmers]

Cesar Millan: He is only trying to assert dominance. If you want to be a leader of your pack…

Tess: [near tears] I just don’t want him to ruin my friendship with Cate! He’s really offending her! I just don’t want him to ruin my dinner party! Dov, seriously!

[Cesar Millan approaches Dov Charney, touches him on the nose and makes a shushing noise at him. Dov Charney crouches and wimpers in his chair, melting down to a sitting position. He resumes eating his dinner. Cesar Millan offers a hand to Cate Blanchett, to shake]

Cate Blanchett: I’m…unsure of how you did that. Or what you did, even.

Cesar Millan: I did not hit him, I only touched him.

merlin:

Top 1 Habits of Amazing Writers

1. They write.