Fake Dinner Party Conversations

tesslynch:

Tess: [pushes Sadie’s head off her lap, where she is begging for scraps under the table] Sorry, this is so embarrassing.

Cesar Millan: This dog, she needs to be rehabilitated.

Tess: Rehabilitated?

Cesar Millan: And you, her owner, you need to be train.

Tess: You want to train me? You guys?

Dov Charney: [masturbates]

Cate Blanchett: I’ve really got to go.

Dov Charney: [looms over Cate Blanchett while masturbating]

Cate Blanchett: Frankly, I’m quite upset with you, Tess. I’m going to stop taking your calls. You invited me to a dinner party, but it seems to me I’ve walked in on some sort of circus act. [shoves Dov away] And why is he in a gold leotard?

Tess: Dov, I asked you to try to tone down the outfits.

Dov Charney: [motions at his legwarmers]

Cesar Millan: He is only trying to assert dominance. If you want to be a leader of your pack…

Tess: [near tears] I just don’t want him to ruin my friendship with Cate! He’s really offending her! I just don’t want him to ruin my dinner party! Dov, seriously!

[Cesar Millan approaches Dov Charney, touches him on the nose and makes a shushing noise at him. Dov Charney crouches and wimpers in his chair, melting down to a sitting position. He resumes eating his dinner. Cesar Millan offers a hand to Cate Blanchett, to shake]

Cate Blanchett: I’m…unsure of how you did that. Or what you did, even.

Cesar Millan: I did not hit him, I only touched him.